First of all I miss you a lot. Saw my tattoo again today and not only thought of you but wished you the best. Being in a country where I don't yet speak the native language has had me spending a of lot time at home, in my room reading "A Practical Review of The German Language". Not yet being fluent has put me not only in my room but on an island. No matter how much time I physically spend with other people(which still isn't often) I'm still practically alone every day. There is no way to really connect with anyone really. Even if everyone here spoke English they all have their own friends and lives to attend to. I've really never been alone like this and it's had me thinking a lot.
I think loneliness is something a lot of people experience in a lot of different ways but it only seems to have one connotation, "fucking bad". I think it's really pathetic to think it's pathetic to be or feel alone. Being alone is something that I think adds to every experience or idea we encounter as human beings. I feel like we are constantly surrounded by the need to feel like we have a "set group" of friends, or a "group" that really defines us...i'm not going to be cliche and say, "We shouldn't feel like we HAVE to be accepted by anyone!". I'm not saying that because that's bull shit. Everyone is constantly searching for a new mind set, a new friend, a new band, a new brand of cigarettes, a new way to try and convince everyone and, as sad as it is, themselves, that they are too unique and too different to be accepted. That's stupid because they are wasting what time they have in the mirror and in their head, but that's not the point I'm trying to make to you.
Being alone is a necessity I think. I wouldn't have the friends I have if I didn't go through some time where I was alone; alone to make my own decisions because there was literally no one there to influence them. That's what I think it is to be alone: Living a life influenced by nothing but your own interests and ideas. Loneliness is simply the time you have to become set and confident in what whatever interests YOU and what ideas YOU come up with and what YOU agree with. Doing anything constantly makes anything lose it's luster or loses it's special spark that makes your weener big, or your mouth water, or your smile turn into a laugh, or makes the story behind your tattoo actually interesting. It's the same thing with being around people. If you are constantly surrounded by people YOU are going to run out of the ability or integrity to make those times special. You also just end up running from being alone with yourself.....that means you think you're ugly, or stupid, or depressed and no one wants to be any of those things....why do you think 13 year old girls are always always always always always together and don't know how to talk to anyone...they are more insecure than fundamentalist in public school. (that is a personal stab at a girl I think is dumb...sorry not the point I know).
I'm not trying to tell you to not hang out with your friends Jordan, I think you know yourself well enough and are capable of making any moment significant to your life...that's because you're rad as fuck though. I think everything is just a state of mind. When you find yourself alone, ask yourself why you're alone, what you can get out of it, or if there is anything you need to think about, because we are always changing and you need to keep yourself read on what you agree with. You're not a social fuck up if you take more than enough days to smoke weed alone in your room and have fun trying to keep up with your own head....any one I consider a real friend in this short life is full integrity and true deep thoughts that they chose to confide in me. They don't come up with conversation starters on the way to meet me, they've typically been ALONE thinking about IT ALL. I never ask myself, "Is this going to contribute to my future?" .....(fuck college) I really just always ask myself, "Will I have more, or less respect for myself by doing this." It's a simple game of keeping yourself occupied with integrity...that's all I see life as.
No one in school talks to me... and I'm glad they don't because they don't know me. The day they do I'll know they have a real interest, and I'll be balls-to-the-wall flattered. Until then I'm going to continue going to bars alone, reading alone, and going on beautiful walks alone. Whoever I meet on the way I'll know is someone I belong with(not in a romantic kiss-on-the-lips way).
I'd say something like, "This post is really getting long, I'd better wrap it up." The truth is that I'm out of things to say and want to hear your response and I want to go to bed.
And to the readers: If these posts ARE too long, please stop reading now. They will probably just get longer. Jordan and I are very close friends who love to chat. Our aim is also to attract people with attention-spans long enough to respect and soak up what we're willing to express to you all. Basically go big or go home. We don't want fans who can't read. BOOM <3 Patrick Alercia
Some questions for the readers, from me, Samuel:
1.)What is your most common thought, when you're alone OR with people?
(chances are if there is something that doesn't leave your head in a verbal form it's a thought you feel alone thinking about)
2.) Is time spent just thinking time wasted? Why? Why not? Conclusion? never.
3.)Is sleeping in a waste of time?
What was a peak in your life? What brought it about?
Are you afraid of being alone?
Ok, I'm done.